Somebody needs to explain to me how it is that Leonardo DiCaprio broke up with this and is still allowed to retain his penis. Unless she had seven different STDs, a voice like Fran Drescher on helium, and an IQ of -14, I just don’t get it. And even then I’d give serious consideration to earplugs and full-body condoms, because that girl “guh” with a capital “holy fucking hummina.”

Maybe she broke up with him. That actually makes a lot more sense. How long can you really put up with a doughy, preachy, overrated-actor bore before you either go gay or kill him?

Oh. Gay Bar. Gay Bar making out with Joanna Krupa. Helloooooo, new happy place.