So. Like I said, depression can and will make little flaws and problems and failures grow huge and heavy until they are all you can see, and the weight and disappointment is all you can feel.

And just to add insult to injury, YOU KNOW ITS HAPPENING. You live with this crap inside you long enough, and there’s a part of you that is aware and struggles to balance and calm you by pointing it out, but it kind of just makes it worse, because now its like “oh, I’m being stupid and unreasonable ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE.” Like…just fuck you, brain chemistry. Go die in a fire, I don’t fucking need you, you are ruining my life.

The Xanthoderma is…fine. Probably better than fine. She feels solid, the joints are tight, but not so tight you feel like you’ll break her. For the price, she is probably pretty damn good. I know this. I do. I just can’t feel it. All I feel is doom and wrong from her flaws, and the fact that she is not really going to work for the thing I bought her for, and I can’t think of what else to do with her, and so the flaws get bigger, and the disappointment sharper, and then she’s just money that I could’ve spent on something else, that maybe would’ve worked out. And its just builds on itself, like a recycling fountain of suck or something.

So I am just going to put Xantha away, where I won’t see her and dwell on her so much, and maybe with some distance, and please god some better emotions, I will see pluses and get some ideas, and…just really not feel like a fucking failure over a stupid figure body.

Fingers crossed.